


It Made Me Wish For Death

by Wolfstar4evr



Series: Supernatural Oneshots [6]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Although he doesn't care either way, Curious Sam, He doesn't really want to die, Hurt Sam, Just wants to see if Lucifer is telling the truth, Lucifer brings Sam back, Suicide, Worried Dean, i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-01
Updated: 2015-09-01
Packaged: 2018-04-18 13:58:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4708496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wolfstar4evr/pseuds/Wolfstar4evr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam doesn't take Lucifer on his word, and while Dean is out he shoots himself. However Lucifer heals him, and when he wakes to find Dean very angry and very worried, he's horrified to discover he can remember everything, and recalls what it was like to be healed by the archangel he set free.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Made Me Wish For Death

When Sam wakes up, Dean is the first thing he sees.

He's still on the bed. The gun is still in his hand. And, even though he's completely healed, his blood and brains are still splattered on the wall behind him. When he's done great shuddering breaths wrack through him and he begins to sob, unable to stop himself. He still feels cold. The cold is everywhere and he hates it. He wants it to go away. It hurts.

The moment tears make an appearance Dean is on him, holding him close and stroking his hair. "Why?" He whispers. "Why would you do that?" 

"I wanted to see if Lucifer was telling the truth about how he would bring me back," Sam whispers. "Oh God it hurts." 

"I should think it does," Dean says gruffly. "You did shoot yourself." 

"No, no," Sam protests, wrapping his arms around his older brother. "I felt it. I remember it. I felt him healing me." 

The older Winchester draws in a sharp breath. He was ready to give his younger brother the 'what if Lucifer had been lying you idiot' speech, but that's forgotten now. It takes him a moment to reply. "What did it feel like?" He whispers, finally. 

"Cold," Sam sobs immediately. "It felt cold. But it also felt wrong. At first there was this sort of bliss. I was dead and that was it. And then... and then I felt the cold creeping up my spine. It went into my head and I could feel him fusing the bone and damaged brain cells back together. I felt him creating new cells with ice. But it felt so wrong. It felt so wrong to be healed by a monster. It felt wrong to be healed by the man who has killed so many, and who is planning to kill more. I tried to fight it, because I felt that if he touched me in any way I would become just like him, and it felt so wrong and cold and I couldn't stand it. I felt so alone Dean. I felt so alone." 

"Sam," His brother murmurs into his hair. "Sam." 

"It made me want to die," The younger Winchester confesses next, sobs wracking his tall frame. "Being healed by the devil... By Satan... It was so wrong. It made me wish for death."

Dean doesn't know what to say to that either. It's all too much, knowing that his brother willingly killed himself, and then wanted to die again while he was being healed. Sammy's pain makes him want to cry, as it always does, but he can't let that happen. He's not weak. "Well, at least you're not going to do it again," He chuckles after a while, and Sam smiles very very weakly against his shirt, because he can hear the relief in his brother's voice. Relief that Sam isn't hurt, and that he's learnt, and that he isn't ever going to do anything like that ever again. The older Winchester isn't sure he could handle it if he came home to the sight he did today again. The sight alone almost killed him. 

But there's also a threat in Dean's words, and Sam can see that too. He knows what Dean really means:

You do anything stupid like that again, and I'll make you wish he was still healing you.


End file.
